Forced relaxation????? Who ever heard of anything like this? Well, a couple of days ago that’s what I experienced - forced relaxation. I keep saying it because it seems so.....ridiculous. Who forces themselves to relax? Isn’t relaxation, well, just relaxing? Well, obviously not for me.
Sometimes it takes me a while to recognize the signs of stress. It began late one afternoon, last week, when I was in that GO, GO, GO, CAN’T STOP mode coupled with that yucky voice of I’m not enough and that feeling of complete overwhelm. I had a therapist tell me years ago, “When you’re stressed, you regress.” And I have found this to be very true. So in keeping with my habitual style and old and comfortable patterns of, well, destructive behavior behavior, I started living up to my familiar ways of the world. I had some wine......and then a little more. Then I ate - well gobbled would be a better word - my dinner of mac and cheese; my quintessential comfort food and best friend especially in those special moments of spinning out and emotional turmoil. And I was elated because as I frantically scrounged in the freezer, I found one of my stashes - for moments like these - my trusted chocolate chip cookie. The freezer burn (since some of the wrapping had come loose) was hardly noticed. Starting to get the picture here?
But that didn’t help. So I decided to give up on this day. Maybe a good night’s sleep would calm the nerves and soothe the spirit. So, I went to bed before the sun was down. And tossed and turned with scary dreams interspersed between sleeplessness and partial awareness. So much for that idea.
When I awakened early the next morning, I was hardly rested and equally agitated, Why was I not surprised? Already I was craving sugar and my second cup of caffeine. I was a speeding train heading downhill with no brakes.....I had lost my capacity to stop.
Or I thought I did. The truth is, I KNEW what to do; I just couldn’t do it. I really do have a very impressive skill set of how to care for myself; all those years of therapy, chiropractic, massage, somatic work, my “almost” master’s degree in holistic health - not to mention my partner, Diana, the acupuncturist - who is a constant source of information, insights, intuition, supplements and treatments. So, like I said before, I had the information, I just wasn’t able to access it at this time.
On the one hand, I was in such a heightened state of hypertension that my inner trajectory kept steering me towards anything - actions, foods, activities - even thoughts that would perpetuate the agitation rather than reduce it. On the other hand, my healthy, sane self so wanted to stop this runaway train and get the hell off of it.
During this period, I was in such a state of disequilibrium; knowing what to do and feeling incapable of implementing any of it. I decided that I really needed to make a conscious effort to shift my spinning out trajectory and bring bring myself back into my body.
So I made a plan; some would call it an action plan. I would say it was an “action/do not under any circumstances consider doing this now” plan. I started with the latter. It looked something like this:
Under not circumstances turn on your computer!
Do not go for the sugary breakfast!
You are not allowed to read or listen to the news.
No phone calls.
No leaving the house to run errands or go to the gym.
In other words, I was stuck with me, myself and I. And I wasn’t going to allow myself to distract, ignore or deny the reality of what I was going through ( I can be very good at this) nor was I going to infuse my body with all the substances that taste so good but do me no good.
So with it now established what I would NOT be doing, I now set out to make my plan of action. It included:
Putting on some relaxing music.
Taking a long (30 minute) bubble bath with epsom salts.
Meditation for at least 20 minutes.
Some writing.
Eating a healthy breakfast.......
Eating that healthy breakfast slowly; sitting outside on the patio enjoying the garden and pond; chewing each bite; all with no distractions.
Going to the 12pm yoga class.
And so, I followed my plan. It came slowly......first I noticed that I wasn’t forcing the long inhalations and slower exhalations; I was taking slower deeper breaths on my own without my guidance system dictating the rhythm . I began to be aware that the pulsing tension running through my body was subsiding. My mind was slowing down. My heartbeat was calming. Could this be my return? I knew I was there when sometime during the yoga class, tears started to well up and roll down my cheeks. Cat/cow never felt so good.
It felt so good to off my runaway train.
So what happened here? How did I, a generally grounded, health oriented, thoughtful, conscious (if I do say so myself!) person get so out of whack? Initially I was so very excited about my projects and the work that I want to do. It was thrilling and inspiring with so much to learn and do and people to find and contact to bring it all to fruition. All wonderful stuff, really! But for me, I realize now that there is that moment when all that wonderful new energy begins to well, take off, and If I’m not careful or paying attention, I wind up going with it . That’s when I get into trouble because I’ve lost my ground and my connection to myself. And what started out as a passionate dream to manifest what I believe to be so important had now morphed me into a whole other being.........a stressful and overwhelmed ME!
The more stressed I became the more I unconsciously resorted to those familiar and unhealthy patterns which only exacerbated my state. I believe this is called a vicious cycle.
Why didn’t I see this before I felt completely out of control?
The best answer I can come up with is I wasn’t paying attention - to me. Sounds kinda simplistic, but sometimes it really does come down to just the basics. With the most noblest of purposes and a passion beyond words, I was absorbed and excited and motivated and yes, overwhelmed and challenged as I was navigating totally new frontiers of business and marketing and technology and resources. With so much to take in and riding a huge learning curve I dove in and forgot to look up.....or actually I forgot to look in....that’s within, really. I got so caught up in my passion, I stopped paying attention to my person.
I have no doubt that sometime in the not too distant future I will once again get excited and passionate about something; or maybe I will become overwhelmed and agitated about something not so good. Regardless, it is quite likely that SOMETHING will be in my life that will excite me or overwhelm me or scare the living daylights out of me.
Last week I really had no choice but to take some specific measures to get back to myself. I had made some pretty unconscious and unhealthy choices because I was not paying attention. My “forced relaxation” forced me to take a hard look at how and what I was doing and not doing. While, not a pretty picture, I was reminded of a few things:
Even the most noblest of causes can take me away from my center.
Regardless of what I am doing, I must check in with myself to ensure that I am taking the time to tune into and grounding myself.
I must pay attention to those old patterns that pretend to serve me but in reality perpetuate unhealthy behaviors and
I must ask myself; how do I make sure that I am taking good care of myself every day, regardless of what I am doing?
I am soooo grateful that I had enough sense and enough skills to force myself to relax. I hope I have learned enough this time around to do a better job of self care so that I never have to do this again.
And if I happen to lose myself.......well, there’s always “forced relaxation.”
Yes! I love it :)
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