Roberta Teller: Shift Happens

Throughout my entire life, I have been a worrier and lived with varying degrees of fear and anxiety.  As a young child, I remember feelings of suddenly leaving my body for no apparent reason  I  would be sitting at the dinner table with my family (ok, maybe that’s a clue) and suddenly I would feel like I was hovering above my family, outside of myself and actually observing what was going on.  I never said a word to anyone and panic stricken, would excuse myself, go to the bathroom, wash my face and try to calm down.  It usually worked and eventually I would return to my body.......pretty scary stuff for a kid.  This dissociative experience carried over into my adult years, often  accompanied by a  panic attack.  Equally frightening for my adult self!

Over the years, I’ve tried a variety of strategies to deal with the worry, anxiety and panic attacks. I have had some really good successes and most of these events decreased over the years.  The cognitive/ behavioral class I took at Kaiser several years ago was extremely helpful in teaching me how to curtail the scary stories I tormented myself with.  Therapy helped me understand some of these old patterns and aided me in reducing much of my, shall we say, inappropriate worrying. Using guided imagery and visualization are other tools I have recently used with positive results.  I have always refused daily pharmaceuticals.  An occasional Atavin and regular herbal supplements have definitely helped.  

So, as my skills and understandings of myself have led to an ongoing decline in my worrying, anxieties, and panic attacks, there remained one area that had become a new and growing source of fear...... my eyes......my eyesight........my vision......and my relationship to anyone related to this profession in the medical world. 

Over the past number of years, I have been finding my eye appointments increasingly stressful.  In my experience, there’s usually a much longer wait at the ophthalmologists office, than any other practitioner.  Before you get to see the MD, you have to meet with the assistant and read those increasingly more difficult to see lines on the charts.  Then, you meet with the contact lens person (You’ve already paid an additional fee for this privilege.) and before you get to see the “doctor” you get your eyes dilated and have to go back to the waiting room to wait for whatever is supposed to happen.....last year all this took about an hour and a half and I still hadn’t gotten to see the doctor.  Then, finally after you’ve seen everyone under the sun, you have the option of getting more drops in your eyes to undilate the dilation.  And if you happen to have a new eyeglass prescription, well, maybe you want to look at some frames now, so you don’t have to come back again......except to pick them up. 

Last August 2012, as I walked out of my ophthalmologist’s office after my annual appointment, I breathed a sigh of relief that the yearly ordeal was over.  Then I immediately began fretting about next year’s appointment - yes the one 365 days away.  I was even dreading the prospect of phoning the office to make that appointment. Not a good sign for this supposedly “recovering fear-a-phobic.” 

Now, to be honest, some of my concerns are quite real and justified. I have a long and challenging history with my eyes. I’ve worn thick eyeglasses since I was 3 years old. I remember very little about my early years, however one of my clearest memories is using my fingers to mimic the shapes of the images on the eye chart because I was too young to  identify the letters of the alphabet .  At this young and tender age, I was  prescribed a flesh colored plastic patch that suctioned on to the inside of my left lens. This was to encourage my “lazy” right eye to develop so that it would eventually make the necessary connections to my brain and provide me with the full potential of vision for that eye. 

That never happened because I hardly ever wore the patch.  It may have been the visual difficulty I experienced when I covered my “good” eye, but the truth is more likely that I was so embarrassed to be seen wearing that thing, that I ultimately sabotaged my vision for my vanity.  But I didn’t know that at the time.  As a normal three, four, eight, nine or 10 year old child my futuristic thoughts couldn’t get  beyond the next vacation - whether it be Christmas, Easter or my favorite -  summer.  I guess you could say that I had absolutely no vision for my vision. But, I was a child, after all. 

While always a healthy eye, my right eye never developed its full potential for sight. This has haunted me for much of my adult life.  How I wish I could go back and paint that floppy, pale patch purple and red and sprinkle silver and gold glitter all over the outside and put on a matching tiara and a purple velvet cape flowing off of my shoulders and proudly wear that patch while my little blue eye made its connection to my brain.   But it never occurred to me then to lighten up that dark experience with a little fun, flair and imagination.......nor did it occur to my parents, who were more than likely clueless about how an already overweight and extremely shy and insecure child might feel about looking a bit monstrous and weird and well, freakish.  

I have always been light sensitive.  Of the few photos I have of myself as a little girl, I am always squinting in the sunlight.  As an adult, I cannot go outside on an overcast day without sunglasses.  I cannot walk from a dark theatre out in to a bright day without those sunglasses already covering my eyes.  Multiple flashes from cameras are more likely than not, to trigger a visual migraine for me. 

In my early adult years, I started hearing about the cataracts that were forming on my eyes.  Initially, it was, “just the beginning.”  Then it was , “Well, you may need surgery in 5-10 years,”  .......then, “maybe 3-5 years” and this last time,  “Looks like 1-2 years.”  That’s like, soon........

And there were other things.

I developed a scar on my left cornea from some unknown origin that thankfully missed screwing up my field of vision. So far.......to this day, it sits unchanged.......but it looms in my scary story as a calamity that could strike at any moment.......

Then, several years ago while on vacation in Las Vegas, I was awakened in the middle of the night with severe pain in my left eye.  It turns out that I was diagnosed with a condition sometimes informally called a  “glaucoma attack.”  For someone who does not have glaucoma and never heard of a “glaucoma attack,”  this was startling and upsetting.   With an already lengthy list of known dangers lurking out there, now I had to add all the unknown ones.......OY!

Also known as Narrow Angle Glaucoma,  Angle-Closure Glaucoma or Acute or Chronic Angle Glaucoma (Why so many names is beyond me!) this condition is common in farsighted people with small eyes.   It is caused by the sudden build up of pressure in the eye due to the inability of the eye to drain because the angle between the iris and cornea (where a drainage channel is located)  becomes too narrow. While a potentially very dangerous condition with the potential for blindness if the pressure is not reduced immediately, it is also easily treated with a laser procedure that puts a microscopic drain hole in the iris.  Both of my eyes have these “man-made” holes in them.  While very rare, I do worry that these holes will close up. 

So, like I said, I have some very real concerns about my eyes.....And being the very responsible person that I am, I have done and continue to do everything I am supposed to do to maintain the health and safety of my eyes.......especially these annual exams. 

And yet, I was becoming increasingly terrified of what could most protect me and my vision.......that annual eye appointment. That is until recently.....very recently.

There was a shift.......

I went from worrying, obsessing, and creating horrible scenarios to suddenly an unannounced calm. Where there had been angst, irrational thinking and terror, there was now sanity, reasonableness and trust.  I was able to sort the facts from fiction from fear!  I think I finally understood that I can have genuine, real concerns and not have to freak out about them.  They are not synonymous terms and very different experiences. 

Somehow I didn’t know that before.......

And now I do.   

And while this shift happened, seemingly out of the blue, to be honest, it really came on the heels of a long history of; introspection, reflection, therapy, guided imagery, meditation, herbal supplements, alternative therapies, late night baths, talking to loved ones and friends about my anxieties, and some specific research (NOT finding and reading all kinds of scary stories online.),  It really was an accumulation of an earnest quest to stop some unhealthy and not in the least helpful behavior on my part.  And yes, it took me a long time and it was a rough path, I finally got to a healthy place in my heart, mind, body and spirit.  And while this story was about my eyes, it is way more about dealing with difficult life issues.  Now I know, that whatever comes my way, with a steadfast willingness to face the issue, problem or concern, that I will handle it, deal with it, and get to where I want to be in a healthy way.  It may take some time. I can be patient because I now know that shift happens! 

Roberta Teller: Who Ever Heard of Forced Relaxation?

Forced relaxation?????   Who ever heard of anything like this?  Well, a couple of days ago  that’s what I experienced - forced relaxation. I keep saying it because it seems so.....ridiculous.  Who forces themselves to relax?  Isn’t relaxation, well, just relaxing?  Well, obviously not for me. 

Sometimes it takes me a while to recognize the signs of stress.  It began late one afternoon, last week, when I was in that GO, GO, GO, CAN’T STOP mode coupled with that yucky voice of I’m not enough and that feeling of complete overwhelm.  I had a therapist tell me years ago, “When you’re stressed, you regress.”  And I have found this to be very true. So in keeping with my habitual style and old and comfortable patterns of, well, destructive behavior behavior, I started living up to my familiar ways of the world.  I had some wine......and then a little more.  Then I ate - well gobbled would be a better word - my dinner of mac and cheese; my quintessential comfort food and best friend especially in those special moments of spinning out and emotional turmoil.  And I was elated because as I frantically scrounged in the freezer, I found one of my stashes - for moments like these - my trusted chocolate chip cookie.  The freezer burn (since some of the wrapping had come loose) was hardly noticed.  Starting to get the picture here?

But that didn’t help.  So I decided to give up on this day.  Maybe a good night’s sleep would calm the nerves and soothe the spirit.  So, I went to bed before the sun was down.  And tossed and turned with scary dreams interspersed between sleeplessness and partial awareness. So much for that idea. 

When I awakened early the next morning, I was hardly rested and equally agitated, Why was I not surprised?  Already I was craving sugar  and my second cup of caffeine.  I was a speeding train heading downhill with no brakes.....I had lost my capacity to stop.  

Or I thought I did.  The truth is, I KNEW what to do; I just couldn’t do it.  I really do have a very impressive skill set of how to care for myself; all those years of therapy, chiropractic, massage, somatic work, my “almost” master’s degree in holistic  health - not to mention my partner, Diana, the acupuncturist - who is a constant source of information, insights, intuition, supplements and treatments.  So, like I said before, I had the information, I just wasn’t able to access it at this time.

On the one hand, I was in such a heightened state of hypertension that my inner trajectory kept steering me towards  anything - actions, foods, activities - even thoughts  that would perpetuate the agitation rather than reduce it.  On the other hand, my healthy, sane self  so wanted to stop this runaway train and get the hell off of it.  

During this period, I was in such a state of disequilibrium; knowing what to do and feeling incapable of implementing any of it. I decided that I really needed to make a conscious effort to shift my spinning out trajectory and bring bring myself back into my body.

So I made a plan; some would call it an action plan.  I would say it was an “action/do not under any circumstances consider doing this now”  plan.  I started with the latter.  It looked something like this:

Under not circumstances turn on your computer!

Do not go for the sugary breakfast!

You are not allowed to read or listen to the news.

No phone calls.

No leaving the house to run errands or go to the gym. 

In other words, I was stuck with me, myself and I.  And I wasn’t going to allow myself to distract, ignore or deny the reality of what I was going through ( I can be very good at this)  nor was I going to infuse my body with all the substances that taste so good but do me no good. 

So with it now established what I would NOT be doing,  I now set out to make my plan of action.  It included:

Putting on some relaxing music.

Taking a long (30 minute) bubble bath with epsom salts.

Meditation for at least 20 minutes.

Some writing.

Eating a healthy breakfast.......

Eating that healthy breakfast slowly; sitting outside on the patio enjoying the garden and pond; chewing each bite; all with no distractions. 

Going to the 12pm yoga class.

And so, I followed my plan.  It came slowly......first I noticed that I wasn’t forcing the long inhalations and slower exhalations; I was  taking slower deeper breaths on my own without my guidance system dictating the rhythm . I began to be aware that the pulsing tension running through my body was subsiding.  My mind was slowing down.  My heartbeat was calming.  Could this be my return?  I knew I was there when sometime during the yoga class, tears started to well up and roll down my cheeks.  Cat/cow never felt so good.

It felt so good to off my runaway train.

So what happened here?  How did I, a generally grounded, health oriented, thoughtful, conscious (if I do say so myself!) person get so out of whack?  Initially I was so very excited about my projects and the work that I want to do.  It was thrilling and inspiring with so much to learn and do and people to find and contact to bring it all to fruition. All wonderful stuff, really!  But for me, I realize now that  there is that moment when all that wonderful new energy  begins to well, take off, and If I’m not careful or paying attention, I wind up going with it . That’s when I get into trouble because I’ve lost my ground and my connection to myself. And what started out as a passionate dream to manifest what I believe to be so important had now morphed me into  a whole other being.........a stressful and overwhelmed ME!  

The more stressed I became the more I unconsciously resorted to those familiar and unhealthy patterns which only exacerbated my state.  I believe this is called a vicious cycle.

Why didn’t I see this before I felt completely out of control? 

The best answer I can come up with is I wasn’t paying attention - to me.   Sounds kinda simplistic, but sometimes it really does come down to just the basics. With the most noblest of purposes and a passion beyond words, I was absorbed and excited and motivated and yes, overwhelmed and challenged as I was navigating totally new frontiers of business and marketing and technology and resources.  With so much to take in and riding a huge  learning curve  I dove in and forgot to look up.....or actually I forgot to look in....that’s within, really.  I got so caught up in my passion, I stopped paying attention to my person.  

I have no doubt that sometime in the not too distant future I will once again get excited and passionate about something; or maybe I will become overwhelmed and agitated about something not so good.  Regardless, it is quite likely that SOMETHING will be in my life that will excite me or overwhelm me or scare the living daylights out of me.  

Last week I really had no choice but to take some specific measures to get back to myself. I had made some pretty unconscious  and unhealthy choices because I was not paying attention.  My “forced relaxation” forced me to take a hard look at how and what I was doing and not doing. While, not a pretty picture, I was reminded of a few things:  

Even the most noblest of causes can take me away from my center. 

Regardless of what I am doing, I must check in with myself to ensure  that  I am taking the time to tune into and grounding  myself.

I must pay attention to those old patterns that pretend to serve me but in reality perpetuate unhealthy behaviors and 

I must ask myself;  how do I make sure that I am taking good care of myself every day, regardless of what I am doing?

I am soooo grateful that I had enough sense and enough skills to force myself to relax.  I hope I have learned enough this time around to do a better job of self care so that I never have to do this again.

And if I happen to lose myself.......well, there’s always “forced relaxation.” 

L' Chiam!

On May 9th, I celebrated my half birthday.......I am now officially 66 and 1/2 years old!  I was recently asked to articulate one word that describes how I feel about my age.... That word would be, WOW.    While this is a rich time with opportunities to be creative, have wonderful adventures and to connect with friends, it is also daunting to know that I (probably) have lived more than half my life and while anything can happen at any time in life, the reality is something will happen sooner rather than later and I will eventually die.  I am not trying to be morbid here - really, I’m not.  I am trying to face the reality of life and death and to live my life as fully and happily and healthily as possible in the time I have left.  To encourage myself to live to my fullest and to provide support for myself as I face each day,  I have created some queries in the format of some simple questions and answers to remind me of how I can best live each day fully, happily and honestly. 

There is a Hebrew word, L’Chiam which means, “To Life!”  This simple word represents not only a toast to be exclaimed before taking a sip of sweet wine,  but to me, it is an affirmation of life;  of living every day to the fullest. In spite of the pain, suffering, problems and challenges we face, it’s an attitude to embrace being alive - right now in the here and now........And so, I offer this to you as well.......

                          L’Chiam!

1. You are going to make mistakes.  How do you learn the lessons and move on?

2.  What happens when you don’t trust your guts?  What have you noticed about this?

3.  Do you ask questions ? Do you ever refrain because of fear?  Remember, the only stupid question is the one not asked. 

4.  Are you being true to yourself? Be who you are - not who others want you to be.

5.  How many times do you not get what you want because you didn’t ask.  ASK for what you want. It’s impossible to get what you want if no one knows. 

6.  Not sure what you want?  Maybe you really ought to tune into yourself.  You’re 

 important.

7.  Have you gone into situations with a lot of assumptions?   See if you can make 

your mind a blank slate for a little while and assume nothing.

8.  What do you love to do? Do you do it?  Why or why not?

9.  How do you handle change?  Change is inevitable.  Change what you can. Accept 

 what you can’t. Let go of the rest. 

10. The saying goes, “Seeing is believing.”  Have you noticed that believing is seeing. 

 Check it out.

11. Where do you find the mystery in your life? Life is mysterious; stop being so serious.

12. What are your dreams and goals?  How are you manifesting  them?  Remember, 

 one step at a time will get you there.

13. Get a little judgmental sometimes?  When you find yourself judging others, inquire within. What is it about yourself that you’re really upset about?

14.  What do you do when you are totally stressed?  Try taking some deep breaths.      

Take a bubble bath. Do some yoga. Do something completely opposite to what you 

 are currently doing.

 15. If you think you can, you’re right; if you think you can’t, you’re right again.  Which    

 do you choose?

16.  How are you taking care of yourself?  Build some nurture time into your life.  Bubble bath? Massage?

17.What attitudes do you have that no longer serve you? Do an attitude adjustment to 

get rid of the ones that are not serving you.

18.  Do you believe everything you think?   DON’T!

19.  Everyone dies.  How do you live?

20.  Are you up to date on telling your loved ones that you love them?  Do it!  Now!

21. Are you drinking water? Drink half your body weight in ounces of water every day. 

22.  Feeling stuck? Stop doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

23. When was the last time you watched a baby learning to walk?  Every time she falls, she gets up and starts over.  What do you do when you fall? 

24.  Are you rushing around to get things done and then wind up so tired, you’re too exhausted to do anything else? How could you do this differently?

25.  Why are you always rushing around?  Old habits? I think you can teach this “old dog” some new tricks.

26.How do you encourage your creativity?  Start with something simple, like a very unusual outfit, or wear a scarf around your waist........

27.How can you better manage your fear of going to the  doctor/dentist?  Do some guided imagery and visualize yourself relaxed, calm and knowing that whatever it is, that you fear, you will handle it. 

28.  How do you learn to not overextend yourself?  Saying no to yourself and others is a             

good start. Stop, pause, think before you say yes....

29.   What do you need to remind yourself that you’re taking life too seriously?  Notice   

when you stop  laughing or even smiling. Is that a clue?

30.  Feeling sorry for yourself?  Go ahead, have your pity party......then move on.

31.  Life getting you down?  Stop watching the news. 

Roberta Teller Learns Lessons From a 13 Year Old Kid With a Long Rap Sheet

I first met Julio when he stood outside of my first ever teaching job - class 6-3 at PS 116  in Brooklyn, New York in September of 1968.  I was 21 years old and fresh out of college. While I had not as yet met him, I already knew that he was the Number 1 behavior problem and allegedly  completely out of control wreaking havoc both in the classroom and wherever he went in the building. Thirteen years old and he had a long rap sheet.....Nobody wanted him in their classroom. He was on my class list. We’d be spending a year together.  “What would that be like”?  I shuddered to think about it. 

At first I didn’t know who this boy was who was checking me out, peeking in and out of the door of my classroom as I was setting up and getting ready for the first day of school. It seemed kinda sweet to me; this lone kid wanting to see who his new teacher would be.......

I walked outside to say hello to this curious child and to introduce myself.  I was taken aback when I asked his name and he told me it was Julio.  There I was face to face with the enemy......Number 1 behavior problem of PS 116.   Mrs. Steinberg vs Julio.....Or was it going to be JULIO destroys Mrs. Steinberg?     OY!

He had a beautiful face, almost angelic.  For someone who loomed so large  in the annals of PS 116 lore, he was much smaller in stature than I expected and he seemed quite shy and vulnerable.  Could this really be PS 116’s  Public  Enemy Number 1 ?????    Sometimes I marvel that there was not one moment of hesitation as I took his hands in mine and told him how happy I was to meet him. I invited him into our classroom.  We perused the room together and I asked his opinion about colors for the bulletin boards. He helped me cut out the letters for the displays. We talked about sports and music. He told me he lived with his father and 2 younger sisters.  He stuttered.....quite badly.  

And he stayed for most of the afternoon.  All the while, he was polite, courteous and sweet.

I did not see him again until the first day of school. While we had a very friendly prior connection, I really didn’t know what to expect when school opened right after Labor Day.   After all, Julio had a reputation to uphold.  Would I become part of his legacy? Of course he would have to test me......in front of the entire class,. Didn’t he? 

I guess you could say he did and he didn’t.  He showed up on the late side that first day.   From my point of view, sending him to the office or to the Principal was out of the question - at least for the short term.  I welcomed him again, reminded him what time school started and assigned him his seat. He settled in and so began my first day.  Test 1.....  I passed.  Phew!

That whole school year from 1968-1969, I never had a big enough problem with Julio that required me to send him to Mr. Kash the Principal or to the office.  Yes, sometimes he was a bit naughty and silly and goofy, but whatever it was, I dealt with it within the confines of the classroom as I did with most behavior problems. With clear rules and expectations, coupled with appropriate consequences for missteps I treated Julio with the same respect that I afforded any other child in my room.  Yeah, sometimes, silly, sometimes goofy, but NEVER was this child disrespectful or rude to me.......NEVER!  That’s not to say he wasn’t trouble when he went elsewhere in the building. He could very easily live up to his reputation in a heartbeat.  But within the confines of class 6 -3,  he was just another kid.  I think he liked that. I actually think it was a relief for him. 

What does this say?  What does it mean when a brand new teacher simply and innocently embraces the most notorious worst kid of the school and discovers his good qualities..... ?   What does it say about a system that systematically stigmatizes and ostracizes a child rather than finding ways to include him and help him? 

It’s been almost 45 years since I taught my first class. It amazes me that I can not only remember the names of many of my first students, Rose Marie, Violet, Margaret, Manuel, Gregory......I remember details about many of them.....I used to think that Margaret, a very large and extremely smart girl who looked a lot older than 11  was a spy placed in my classroom whose job it was to report to the administration all of my failings......Rose Marie wrote long letters to me extolling how much she loved being in my classroom and what a wonderful teacher I was.  (She must have been there to counter Margaret). And the sweet little boy whose name I can’t remember, yet I can clearly see his face full of tears, sobbing because I decided not to pass him to 7th grade.  To this day, I wonder if I did the right thing.  And of course Julio, the boy who left a lasting impression on me.  The boy who informed much of my teaching and classroom management for years to come. 

Yes, I was Julio’s 6th grade teacher.  I believe that I gave Julio a good year at PS 116.  I provided a place where he could feel safe and just be a kid for those hours spent in class 6 - 3. I hope he learned some things about reading, writing and math and about life as well. 

And Julio was my teacher too. I got a life long lesson right from the get go of my career to absolutely NEVER pre-judge or accept others opinions, attitudes and assumptions about a child. As often happens in families, I saw how school cultures and climates find “identified patients” or in this case “identified students” who bear the brunt and burden of the dysfunctional systems and become the target - saving the institution from looking at itself.  So much easier to blame the kid....

Julio taught me that every child, especially, the challenging ones, deserves a chance. And when given a fair chance, can rise to his greater potential. Pre-conceived and institutionalized attitudes may serve the adults, but certainly not the child. Opening your heart, I learned, is a key connector, opening channels that would otherwise stay closed. 

I would be the first one to tell you that rules are important in the classroom. I am a firm believer that students interpret rules as, “I love you.”  And they will push you to the limit testing those boundaries......over and over again.......Yes, I love you I would be saying  as I set boundaries and limits and consequences.  

On that late August afternoon, when Julio appeared at the door to my classroom, I learned a very important rule that I have fondly called, “my favorite  F word”..........FLEXIBILITY.   On that day in 1968 when Julio first appeared at my door, more than likely, he was not supposed to be in the building.  According to the “rulebook”, I probably should have sent him away.  But what would have happened, and more importantly, what would NOT have happened had I sent him away?  I cringe at the thought. 

Julio faded from my life a year or two after he left my classroom.  In actuality, I watched from afar  as he was slowly  swallowed up by the allure and camaraderie of the emerging gang culture of east New York.  Eventually, he completely disappeared from my life.

Over these 45 years since Julio graced my life, I have remembered him to friends, lovers, fellow teachers......really anyone who would listen to my tales about  this notorious, rogue 6th grader and how he succeeded in my classroom, despite all the odds stacked against him. 

Thank you Julio for showing me early on in my career how a little love and acceptance and attention and good boundaries and flexibility can make all the difference in a child’s life-at least while they’re in my classroom. You left your mark on me and as a result on the hundreds and hundreds of students who followed you-especially the notorious ones. 

Roberta Teller: Reflections on the gifts of making mistakes

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” 

                                                                                                                      Albert Einstein

When I was a child in elementary school, I used to hide under my desk whenever the teacher asked a question.  I was terrified that I would be called upon and convinced that I would be mortified when of course, I wouldn’t know the answer.  I hid out for years like this.  Occasionally, I would be discovered and asked to respond to a question. All I can remember is leaving my body, mumbling something and trying to get back under cover as soon as possible. 

I have no understanding of why I was so afraid of making a mistake.  I suppose it can go back to this persona that my parents created for me as being smart and responsible and perfect. Maybe it was about not letting them down, but the truth be told, how could I let them down if they never really saw who I was?  

I suppose it really doesn’t matter why this happened.  

The first time I stood up in front of a group was in 1968 when I faced my class of  32 eleven and twelve year old 6th graders at PS 116 in Brooklyn, New York.  And once again I was terrified.  Here I was, 21 years old, straight from the suburbs of Queens facing a group of African American, Puerto Rican and a smattering of white kids in a red brick building built in 1898 located in one of the poorest sections of the city.  Did I tell you that my father had actually driven me to the school just before it opened for the school year ( and unbeknownst to me )  planned to meet the principal, Mr. Kash and to elicit a commitment from him to watch out for me while I was there.....Mr. Kash did agree. 

But it wasn’t necessary.  

From the moment I stepped in front of that classroom, terrified, sleep deprived (for most of my teaching career, I rarely slept the night before the opening of school) and wearing the dress that I had bought for this most audacious moment in my life, something began to shift for me.  I didn’t know it at first, but I realize now, that by looking at my beautiful, hopeful, enthusiastic, and mostly underachieving (that’s test scores) students, I was looking at myself.  And that was especially true of Julio.  Mr. Kash had warned me about Julio.  Well, in actuality, he warned every brand new teacher and staff member about Julio; everyone else knew him. He was the major behavior problem of PS 116.  It seemed, nobody wanted him in their class. And while you could say that Julio’s reputation preceded him, the sad fact was that nobody  knew this child nor took the time to get to know him.  He was viewed as one big mistake, screwing up left and right. I can only imagine how Julio felt about himself. But we had  a couple of things in common.  I felt like one big mistake about to happen and no one had really taken the time to see me either. 

I have come to believe that we teach most what we need to learn.  It doesn’t matter what your profession or hobby or avocation, we seek out that which will help us better understand and know who we are.  By being a classroom teacher, I morphed into being a fierce advocate for my students to be the best they could be; to take chances and make lots of mistakes as long as these errors became tools for reflection and change and growth and momentum to move forward and not become dead ends or unfulfilled dreams. I encouraged them to ask questions, especially if they didn’t understand something. “The only stupid question,” I said, “is the one not asked.”  And I meant it.  

I know now that whatever I was doing for my students, I was doing for myself. When I stood next to a student who was required to give an oral report in front of the class, that was me I had my arm around, saying, “Of course you can do it.  I’m proud of you.”  As they did it, so did I. When we did art projects, I threw away anything with lines on it (like coloring books) and encouraged imagination, creative expression and individuality. While I think of myself as someone who likes to think out of the box, for my students, there would be no box.........”take a chance,”  I said to them and to myself. 

Learning , creativity and life is risky. Often times it requires stepping out of our comfort zone and taking chances. Trying new things and doing things differently  opens us up to, yes, the risk of making mistakes. It also opens us up to our greatest potential. 

I have come to appreciate the value of making mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn and grow. I thank my hundreds and hundreds of students for showing me how with a little support and encouragement, we can become our best selves. Mistakes are valuable teachers and opportunities to see and do things differently.  No one is ever a mistake....we make mistakes, only.  And one more thing.........There is no such thing as perfection. Mistakes are as natural as sunshine and air........

Roberta Teller Reflects on Change

Heraclitus said, “Change is the only constant in life.”  So, if this is true......if change is the only constant in life, then why am I always surprised and well, challenged....when things change?   Some might argue that death is an end.  Once dead, always dead.  THE END!   No more change here. However, you know, some people claim to have come back from the dead (or from near death experiences) and others will argue that we get reincarnated to other lifetimes.  So, maybe we need to agree to disagree about this.  Personally, I’m not sure what my beliefs are in this regard.  Since nature recycles itself all the time and we are part of that cycle, I do suppose we, of the animal kingdom, could also be recycled into different bodies....makes sense to me. And yet, I personally have not had a past life experience nor has anyone REALLY come back to visit me after they died - not even my mother, whom I thought would have a few more things to say to me.......

But back to change.......in our present lifetime.  Everything changes - the seasons, the weather, day and night, cycles of the moon. This is normal. We expect it and sometimes really look forward to what it brings.......snow trips to the mountains, the trees changing colors in the fall, summer vacation from school, solstice rituals.........YAY!!!!!   

I love changes in the natural order of things. I love the change of seasons, seeing the first buds in the spring and the falling leaves of autumn. I adore a full moon and love the dark nights of the new moon because I can vividly see the stars and the constellations in the night sky.

Then there are the changes that are becoming the norm, but are not anything to celebrate like  the increasing pollution of our planet causing climate change, the extinction of species, and all kinds of diseases, to name only a few.  These changes scare and infuriate me. Oftentimes I feel powerless;  other times I am driven to action. It pains me to see changes brought on by corporate greed where the dollar is the reward and the planet and her inhabitants the losers.

Cities get gentrified; others go to decay. Restaurants come and go. Mom and Pop businesses  disappear as the big box stores run them out of town. We  go to elementary, middle, high school, maybe college. We grow up. We get jobs, get married, get divorced, marry our domestic when we’re allowed to, move several times, change jobs, gain weight, lose weight. Friends come and go - move away. Disagreements end friendships. Folks reconnect on social media after years of separation. People die. 

Our moods can shift throughout the day and our attitudes and beliefs (hopefully) grow and change as we grow and change. Even most of the cells in our bodies replace themselves approximately every 7 years. 

Politicians come and go ( I wish some would go sooner than later). And look at technology.  I remember when I had to be home to get a phone call.  Now I can call, text, e-mail, find out just about anything I want to know in a couple of minutes from the (dis)comfort of my car or almost anywhere.  

The truth is change is often challenging for me, although some I work towards, others I hope for and some I just don’t understand. Barack Obama’s presidential wins thrilled me. The change in our local 2012 City Council members was, to me a win for our community. While Prop 37 (Label genetically modified foods), here in CA did not win;  I hope to see that overturned in the near future. And, how the corporate world can continue to bribe, manipulate and control our public officials frightens the hell out of me.....and is a change and pattern I want to end. 

One thing that I’m beginning to understand is that I do not like sudden, unexpected change that is completely out of my control.  BOOM!  Here today - sometimes for years-and then sometimes without warning or a chance to say good-bye - gone tomorrow.......On an every day, “live your life” level, the  closing of some of my favorite places and hangouts has upset me. The loss of the iconic Cody’s Bookstore was a blow to me and the Berkeley community, as was the demise of the art deco Oaks Theatre that has now sat empty for years on Solano Avenue - a sad reminder of what was. It’s really painful to me to see small businesses disappear, often run out by the competition of the bigger box stores or exorbitant and unaffordable rent hikes, only to see the store fronts sit there empty for years sometimes.  Is it really more advantageous (as a former city council member told me) for landlords to maintain an empty store front than an occupied one? 

Of course, then are are the life changing events. The death of a loved one, a sudden illness, an accident, the loss of a job.....And, amidst the upheaval of the event, having to make crucial decisions and choices under the most dire of circumstances.   

Then there are the the more insidious changes that creep ever so silently into our lives  we hardly notice or pay attention until, well, what wasn’t before, is now the norm.  Look at what has happened since the  attack on the World Trade Center which we must admit, changed us forever....... travel is way more of a hassle than ever before. Hundreds and thousands have been maimed and killed in senseless wars.  Our privacy has been invaded and we are being watched wherever we go and whatever we do.  Do you know who is reading your e-mails or checking your correspondences and phone calls?  I really don’t like these changes either. 

I was a latchkey kid.  Around 6th grade I would go home to an empty apartment after school.  Do you know what I worried about?  My fear was there would be some space aliens waiting for me!  That’s is what I imagined.  It wasn’t based on anything except my creative mind conjuring up scary stories.  And today??????  Kids worry that they can make it home without being bullied, abducted or shot along the way.  That’s reality not some made up story from some creative mind.  What kind of change is this?

It seems that I’m not the only one who doesn’t seem to like sudden change not in our control.  I’ve talked to several friends recently who feel the same way I do.  What is it that makes us uncomfortable?  Is it that it discombobulates us in a certain way?  Is it that somehow, even if it’s a little thing, it kinda rocks our “life” boat a bit.....makes us do things a bit differently or maybe take a new look at our lives.  Are we so inflexible or stuck in our ways and is that why we don’t like it? Is it a sense of powerlessness? 

And then there’s the things that as a 66 year old woman I know, or should know or expect or should expect that well, when they happen, once again, surprise and challenge me.....like having less energy or my arthritis getting worse or my skin getting more wrinkled or my neck..........

Then there’s the change that I consciously choose- like buying a beautiful home in the country and that is surprisingly challenging and hard. I realize now that it takes a lot of courage to make conscious decisions to change your life - even when it is something that is really important and you want it very badly.  So whether you are buying your dream home, moving to a new town or moving in with your lover, you are taking a risk, shaking things up and moving out of the familiar and known.  I see it as an act of courage and bravery, especially because pushes us out of our comfort zone and that isn’t easy. 

Today I had an “Aha” moment.  I had decided several weeks ago that as part of my recovery from hip replacement surgery, I would take some water exercise classes.  Honestly, working out in the water is way down on my list of how I want to build up cardio and physical strength.  I do not like to swim because I really dislike putting my face in the water.  I also, tend to be cold and usually pools are cold and chlorinated.  So today, as I was walking to my car at 10:30 the morning for my first ever water aerobics class  I found myself thinking, “Well, I’m not going to do this if it’s a cloudy day.”  “I hope I don’t freeze my ass of in that cold water.......and I hope I don’t break out from a rash from all that damn chlorine.” When I got into the car, it hit me, really hard.....For the past 4 days now I have been absorbed in this blog post......this has been taking way more time and provoked a lot more thought, introspection and conversation than anything else I’ve written so far.  AND IT HIT ME.....that AHA moment.  Here I am writing about change and I really needed to change my negative attitude about the water aerobics. Here I was going into this new experience loaded with negativity and preconceived notions.....And I did.  I did an attitude adjustment right there on Bloomfield Road and you know what?  I loved the class.  The pool is salt water, not chlorinated and heated to over 80 degrees. And you stay upright the whole time never having to put your head near the water......And so I learned that when I’m looking at change, maybe it’s a good idea to consider what attitudes I am working under and consider if they are best serving me.

Maybe on a very deep level I know that nothing is forever and in actuality I know that everything that is known, familiar, loved, tolerated and even disliked will eventually pass away, shift and change. And just maybe, my (unconscious) resistance to this requires me to hold tight to these beliefs, ideas, things, people, relationships and attitudes so that even when they do end, I’m so holding on to the “what was” and I’m unable to move into the “what is” 

And I think there’s another piece to this puzzle.  I’m beginning to realize that for me,  some change ( not the big ones like death and illness) seems to be more about the loss rather than the “what is now. “ And perhaps, what I need to do before I can effectively let go, is to mourn, and grieve the “what was.” To acknowledge the sadness, make room for a period of transition and discomfort, hug  “what was”  say good-bye and send it off.  Maybe then I can more easily embrace the present.

And about those life changing losses, like everything else, they’re gonna happen.  Maybe the best thing we can do is to make sure that we live our lives fully and stay connected to ourselves and our loved ones.  After all, I know now, one way or another, whether we like it or not, eventually,  EVERYTHING CHANGES!